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"You've reached the other jolly guy in a red suit with a lap worth sitting on, leave a message detailing your deepest desires."

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[ from here ]

you say that but all I hear is
deadpool I want bff heart necklaces, friendship bracelets and matching bff shirts
unrelated: what size shirt do you wear
(I'm TRYING but you just said you're touched and there are SO MANY JOKES I COULD MAKE)
((seriously though you are cool
amazing
spectacular
astonishing
sensational))

who knew all it took to be your friend is free food
#$%@ you Dale Carnegie I'm writing the book now
I have a pink suit you know
wait
are you one of those guys that takes pictures of their food and puts it on the internet???

I'm just REALLY good at killing people
I only kill the really bad ones
why do you care if I kill bad guys?
(you're still hungry and you know it)

you realise saying "I'm going to ignore this" means you definitely did not ignore it
also this is like the least traumatising thing on this phone
and before your mind goes to the gutter where it APPARENTLY LIVES
no nothing like THAT

I'm not going to show up with a kid!!!
I don't just
kidnap children
I mean Russell is a special case
BUT THERE WAS NO KIDNAPPING
I just got him out of a bad situation

You're just one step away from calling me daddy and I'm not sure how to take this.
also you make witty one liners too
AND YOU WERE THE LESS COOL DAD SO
your jokes are dad-jokes too
more people just laugh at mine

Edited 2018-10-21 07:29 (UTC)

Not size "G" for gullible.
(And you call ME gutter-minded? I take it back, 0% touched. Return to sender.)
Your thesaurus app is on fleek today, I see.

Everyone knows all it takes to be my friend is free food. Literally. Everyone. The bodega guy, that hobo who lives down the block... I'm a friendly guy, and I'm really into sandwiches. Or 'paninis' as they are called on the affluent isle of Manhattan-- or so I've heard.
Of course you have a pink suit. I'm not at all shocked, and hey, no judgement here. I'm sure you rock it.

I take photos of a lot of things and put 'em on the internet, I do photography, remember? You sure you're my not-at-all official best friend?

Because if you kill the really bad ones, you're doing the same thing as them, and that makes you really bad too? Follow me here. It's this new thing we're tryin' out, I call it: Logic.

Let's keep it at no kidnapping. I really don't think we'd be gold-star parents. Or babysitters. Or anything to do with children's lives that isn't on a save-by-catch basis. The entertain-and-buy-juice-box basis, I think we'd definitely fail at.

Laughing with you, or at you? Important distinction, Cool-Dad.
I think the Cool-Dad thing is flustering you more than the daddy thing is flustering me, and that makes it awesome. Dadpool? Dadpool!

D A D P O O L .

I'm guessing medium
you're kinda noodly
(What no you can't take it back!!! you already said it.)
please tell me you're older than 13
why are you using the word fleek at me
what have I done to you?

We're going to pretend I didn't misread that text
DEFINITELY PRETENDING THAT
but yeah food's great
do you want sandwiches instead of tacos?
Sandwich Saturday!!!
aw
Spidey I feel like the Grinch when his heart grew like five sizes
now I'M touched
I had a bit of a pink obsession for about a week
but really it's for
oh my god
I'm using my one F word for this
AND IT'S A GOOD CAUSE
I did it in support of Fuck Cancer
I was going to savour finding the right moment for that F word too

Photography and taking pictures of food for Instagram ARE TWO DIFFERENT @#$%#$% THINGS
AND YOU KNOW IT
I might not be your best friend
but you're mine
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

No. I'm not doing the same thing as them. There are some people who do horrible things and will get away with it because they have enough money to be above the law. Rapists, pedophiles, rich old white guys, they all hurt people all the time and get away with it even if you web them up and hand them over to the police.
I'm doing the one thing you guys won't
and if it keeps your conscience and soul or whatever clean
then it's not really all that bad
now is it

Excuse you, I'd be an excellent parent
I don't know why you think you'd be a bad parent but don't drag me down there too

WITH ME
I've seen you laugh at my jokes!!!!!!
audiences love my jokes
I'm not flustered
I'm cool as a cucumber
ice cubes are jealous fyi
I don't know where you're getting flustered from
I'm not

You just keep on toeing the line of dad and daddy
I'll be over here
KINKSHAMING YOU

Edited 2018-10-21 08:26 (UTC)

Noodles are well-meaning and underrated: can definitely relate to noodles, so you're prob right.
Do you want the list of what you've done to me in bullet points, essay format, or in a roughly calculated number of hail-mary's?
If I'm not older than 13, you're in a lot of trouble if I show all this to my Aunt. Head's up.

I've re-read that text four times now, and I regret doing it, because I don't see how you've misread it-- and I've decided, I don't want to know. Some heights of human curiosity shouldn't be crossed.

I'm cool with sandwiches or tacos, but there better be donuts involved at this point, 'cause I don't dress up for anything less than crime and food trends.

You have... a Breast Cancer Awareness Month suit? ...That's. The best thing I've heard all week. I won't even count that use of f-bomb. You still have your 1 Free Pass.

Do you sometimes think it's kinda weird your best friend is a college student who's generally confused and mildly worried by you? What are you, like 80?

It is all that bad, because then you become the kind of person who's hurting people all the time. And you're robbing victims of their sense of justice-- maybe they don't want someone murdered in their name. ...I know I wouldn't. No matter what they'd done to me.

Your parenting style could probably be described as "machiavellian" meets "Willy Wonka Acid Trip", and that movie was terrifying.

'Cool as a cucumber'. Dad joke points: +2, 'Ice cube' pun: Dad joke points +1.
It's a weak start for Dadpool as he trips over his closing lines, landing only ONE cliche and ONE put in his one-two punch. Will he be able to keep his title of Cool Dad if that's the best he's got? (Was 'ice' a double-pun, 'cause of 'cool dad'? I'll toss in an extra +1, I have mercy.)

Okay Dadpool, whatever.

Noodles are hardly underrated they're like the comfort food of a handful of countries including this one
they're also usually 100% carbs
you and I have two different definition of well-meaning
Essay format woo me with your words
that's not even a funny joke I cringed
there was cringing
you didn't see it but it happened

Great
glad we moved past that easy, breezy, beautifully

You'll get your donuts don't worry
this is like the unicorn frappe all over again
I'm pretty sure a teenage girl nearly stabbed me for ordering the last one

Are you mocking me?
The battle against cancer is something I hold near and dear to my heart
another free pass?

HAAAAHAHA
fake laughter
hiding real emotional turmoil and pain
you said your spidey-sense trusts me!!!!
if I'm 80 that makes you the weirdo that hangs out with an 80 year old and sweet talks him into spending his money on buying you food
that's like...
elder abuse
now take it back so we both feel better about ourselves!

I'm only hurting people who deserve it
unlike the people they hurt
And maybe they don't, but I'm pretty sure the next victim would wish it never happened to them and I'm making sure it doesn't.
not everyone is as [ He has a moment of pause, trying to decide on the right word. ]
good as you are. [ It doesn't feel like the best word, but it'll work. ]

You thought that movie was terrifying?

I take it back I'm not buying you donuts.
I'm going to go commit CRIMES.
c ya later

I dunno, I see a lot of people pick the fried rice over the lo mein, the curry over the pho, the pizza over the pasta. Underrated.
Okay, one essay coming up. I'll mail it to you. Please frame it, so you can refer back to it.

You beat a teenaged girl to the last unicorn frappe? That's probably a crime in several states.

I am not mocking you at all-- not about that, anyway. I know it is. And I think it's pretty cool, if you did that. I've never even thought of incorporating it... heck, I can't even grow a Movember 'stach.

You get one more pass to say 'Fuck'. Fuck Cancer is always an A-ok sentence.

I think hanging out with older people is usually considered 'gleaning age-old wisdom' and 'keeping them company'. Think of me as your time-to-time check-in service. Making sure you're still engaging with the general public, even if you tell weird grandpa jokes most of the time. (You'd devolved into Grandpool.)

[Okay, so. He has to read over that next part twice, wet his lips, bite the inside of his cheek, and try not to frown.

There's that brief shift to serious; and with Wade, it's usually only a glimmer; but it's easy to spot.]

I'm not saying they don't deserve it. They do.
But it's like how most states have gotten rid of the death penalty... if our 'good' guys and our bad guys are doing the same thing, and we all get to decide for ourselves what's good and bad... what's to stop any guy with a gun and an idea of what justice means from stabbing anyone over something way more minor?

You're not as not-good as you think.

...Are you seriously not going to have a team-up day with rooftop donuts after pestering me all day? Gosh, and I thought I was supposed to fall madly in love with you. What are the kids gonna think?

You know you're one of Marvel's most popular, right?
nothing underrated there.
Is this going to be one of those "I'll mail you your Avengers badge" situations. I'm not falling for that again.

her teeth thanked me for it
I'm pretty sure if I could I would have contracted diabetes from that drink alone.

Yeah, I raffled an extra off so more people would donate
who the @#$% knows where that is now.
or what the @#$% people are getting into in it
You can't grow a mustache???
don't worry I had patchy peach fuzz until I was in my 20s
maybe I'll make you a pink Spidey suit
Or a fake mustache

*GASP* YOU JUST SAID IT TWICE WITH NO BLEEPS
I've died and gone to heaven where you say bad words
What if I want you to say my F-bomb?? BUT IN PERSON

ELDER ABUSE!!!
I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!

I'm not killing people for minor stuff. I have in the past but I stopped.
And I'm to stop any guy with a gun and a messed up sense of justice.

I'm not a good guy, Webs
and if being a good guy means I have to let these raging bags of @#$%skin run around hurting people I never will be either
So you might wanna stop holding out for that thought

you texted me first!!!
You really wanna team up and fall madly in love with me while children write weird stuff about us on the internet?

( sister margaret's is always booming at a certain time of night, when all the mercs have finished their mercin' and are ready to wipe the blood off their hands so shot glasses don't slip through their fingers. vanessa is warming a bar stool, sharing a few laughs with some nearby murdering men, who have been around long enough to learn not to try and get in her pants, unless they want to get shorted their change in a one-two ballsack ratio. not everyone knows, though. there's a boy at the bar who she's seen once or twice, with these pesky, wandering eyes that keep going exactly where they don't belong.

honestly, vanessa's no mother mary. he's pretty. sometimes ( most of the time ) that's all it takes.

she tosses her drink back, glass hitting the bar top to grab his attention. she arches a brow, turning up a sleazy grin. )

Do I buy you a drink, or ...?

( she's never had to buy a hooker before, but. hey. first times for everything. )

[ The clink of the glass hitting the bar does draw his attention, his and a few of the mercenaries he'd been contemplating trying to win over, they lose interest the moment she speaks to Wade however.

A grin of his own finds his face, toothy and mischievous. He moves to lean against the bar by her, not quite invading her space bubble, but there at the precipice of ir. Someone is apparently smart enough to be wary of the people in the bar.

She's probably one of the more attractive people in Weasel's bar, it's hard not to pay her attention, when the other ladies mostly look like they might bite an ear off and a lot of the guys look like Fat Gandalf or a minute away from being grossly homophobic. ]

You can, but it's not coming out of my rates. [ Wade pauses, dark eyes flickering between her eyes, gathering some unspoken information. ] Well, it'd have to be a really expensive drink, then the price might be right. [ Is she surprised he's a talker? He's constantly chatting with mercenaries and Weasel. ]

( consider her interest piqued, mr. chatty. she turns up a smile at him, eyes very unapologetically observing the goods, so to speak — she must like what she sees, because her eyes go a little hooded, clicking her tongue. )

Ever had a Blow Job?

( the drink, obviously. not breaking eye contact, she singles up two fingers at weasel. they'll both be having one, thank you. )

[ Yeah, that's unfair.

Wade's brows knit together slightly, curiosity and surprise at the question mixed into one. A smile begins in the corner of his mouth when he realises she's ordering a drink. The brows that had been pulled together, raise and he tips his head to the side, leaning into her space a bit, not enough to raise any red flags, but enough to say sure, he'll play along. ]

Have you?

[ Because a lady never kisses and tells... or something... ]

Oh, you mean a drink. [ He knew that, the expression he wears says he knew that. ] That's totally what I meant too. [ His attention is grabbed a bit by Weasel moving into his peripheral to grumpily start making Blow Jobs, with a "Why do you make me make this?" A grimace on the blond man's face the entire time. Not that Wade watches him long enough to notice or care. ] Seems like something you'd send to one of the big bikers and say it's from whoever is on your shit-list.

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Sorry been doing house duties!!

im trash

we both are.